I have friend named Mike….he says that “women are the new men.” He claims that we date around, we slut it up, we don’t commit, we break promises- bla bla bla. My point is…(whether that’s true or not is irrelevant) what he failed to mention was: MEN are acting like the worse kind of WOMEN. And I do not like it. Not one bit.For the last year- every date that I go on….and lord knows I don’t get out much….but every time that I do- I am faced with a terribly akward predicament.
The men who seem to want to wine and dine me always, without fail, to bring up on date NUMBERO UNO: marriage, children, down payments of things, and meeting mothers. I’m not averse to meeting your mother, or even getting married- but frankly- let’s save that shit for date number two. I was just getting into my lemon drizzled talapia appetizer when the man brings up in list form: getting hitched, when I could meet his mother, and how often he’s going to fly my Toronto tush out to LA. It was all fun and fantastical until he started talking about why the last gal he was engaged to didn’t work out. I suddenly felt the urge to drink much more of my gin mojito in order to qwell my desires to become his therapist for the evening. (To note: that extra mojito I had at the end of the evening was a very bad idea.)( Right now- I’ve been “phone dating” with a guy. “What the hell does that mean”, you may ask. Well….we met- we hit it off. However, we live in seperate cities- so we chat on the phone. On the daily. We text cute, little sexy things every now and again. We chat a lot. I like him. He’s funny, he’s nice, he seems genuine. The other night- he casually brings up in a….how do i say this?…..In a lighthearted manner? He off handedly asks me where I would like to have our honeymoon. “Cute” I thought. CUTE was my first instinct. I told him Paris, maybe some tropical destination. Thoughts of romance and passion swept over my mind like a hurricane. My heart felt a flutter. He was hitting some sort of nerve with that question. Fast forward a few nights later. My father and I were driving to a basketball game. It was father-daughter bonding and I, so rudely, answered my phone. It was him. I tried to usher him off by saying it was father-daughter bonding night- but instead of taking the hint- he insisted that I tell my father that he says “hi”. Again, kinda cute. But really….hi??? My father doesn’t know you, you don’t know my father. Now we are forced to talk about you because you forced me to tell him you said “HI”. Now family is involved and that’s when shit gets weird. “Who is he?” My dad asks me. “A guy I like, but I don’t live near, we never see other- but he’s a nice jewish boy, from a good home- so i guess that gives you reason not to freak out that he talks about marriage before ever kissing me…??” I’ve dated BOYS in the past. Young men my age who have never walked near the big “M” word. Only now am I getting out into the real world and discovering that any man over the age of 30 is quite frankly- shaking in his boxer-briefs–that he is going to miss finding “the one” and is trying to lock me down like a chastity belt….Don’t get me wrong, I don’t want to be an old spinster just like the next gal….and yes, men who like commitment are very hot, but let’s get realistic gents- let’s bring it down a few notches, play the hard to get game “un pokito” and trust me- we’ll be eating out of the pawm of your hand in no time. Men like to pretend that it’s women who are the needy ones- but I need to say straight up- in the last year- I have had nothing but the opposite go down. It inflames my ego a little: YES… but it’s done nothing for my love life except empower me to write this. And that doesn’t get me through a cold, November day in Canada….I’ll tell you that right now.
Tags: basketball, boys, comedy, girls, men, sex, single women
